Leaked Internal Emails

We need to move on the reorg before Q4 earnings. I want engineering, product, AND data science under one umbrella. My umbrella.

Don't loop in Charkie yet. I'll brief him after it's done. He'll approve it. He approves everything I put in front of him.

Done. I'll have Andrain draft the new org chart. He loves org charts. The man has a whiteboard dedicated to reporting lines.

One thing — my brother-in-law needs a role in the new structure. I was thinking "Director of Operational Excellence." It's vague enough that nobody will question it.

Works for me. Make sure the job posting goes through the "trusted referral pipeline" so we don't have to interview anyone.

New org chart is ready. I've moved 3 teams under Ashutoxic, created 2 new director roles (both filled internally through the referral pipeline), and dissolved the Platform team.

Rex is on the Platform team. This will be a problem.

Rex is always a problem. Put him on a "special projects" team. Team size: 1. He'll get the message.

OK, loop in Charkie. Keep it simple — just tell him "we're streamlining for efficiency." He loves that word. Efficiency.

Team,

Exciting news! We're streamlining for efficiency. I've approved a restructuring that consolidates engineering, product, and data science under Jatindelete's leadership. This will allow us to move faster, innovate harder, and pivot more efficiently.

I see a bright future ahead. 🚀

Hi Ashutoxic,

We've received a referral for the Senior Director of Strategic Initiatives role. The candidate's resume lists their most recent position as "unemployed nephew of Ashutoxic" "Independent Consultant."

Per policy, all candidates must go through at least one technical interview. Could you confirm the interview panel?

The interview panel will be me, Andrain, and Jatindelete. The technical assessment will be a "culture fit conversation." No coding required. The candidate has already demonstrated strong alignment with our values.

Please expedite. The candidate needs to start before the budget review (which he will be overseeing).

Understood. I should note that 3 internal candidates applied for this role and completed full interview loops. Should we notify them?

Send them the standard "we've decided to go in a different direction" email. Don't mention the referral. Also please mark this thread as CONFIDENTIAL.

DO NOT FORWARD.

Per my last message — I told you this would happen.

See below.

Hey, do you have 5 minutes? Quick q about the sprint.

Sure, what's up?

Actually nvm

Wait actually yeah. Is the sprint goal "ship the dashboard" or "define the dashboard requirements"? Because I shipped it and Tara says we were supposed to just define it.

Blake — the sprint goal was clearly stated in the Jira epic description. The goal was to "explore dashboard feasibility." You shipped a production dashboard. That's a 3-sprint acceleration without stakeholder alignment.

I'm scheduling a retro to discuss process adherence.

So... I'm in trouble for... doing the work too fast?

I've looped in HR. This isn't about speed, Blake. It's about process. The process exists for a reason. The reason is that I created the process.

Additionally, I've reviewed your commit history and noticed you pushed to production without a PR review. Per Policy 6.4, this requires a written incident report.

This started as "do you have 5 minutes" and now I'm writing an incident report.

I'm never asking a quick q again.

Rex, have you noticed anything weird about the new person on the standup team?

They respond to every message within 3 seconds. At any hour. Their messages are grammatically perfect. They've never used an emoji. They referred to lunch as "midday energy replenishment protocol."

I noticed. I've been tracking it. Their typing speed is 247 WPM. That's not human. Their code reviews contain no opinions — just technically correct observations. No human writes code reviews without at least one passive-aggressive comment.

Also, they asked me what "vibes" meant. In 2026.

Should we report this?

To who? Read the handbook. Accusing a coworker of being an AI you-know-what is a terminable offense. Proving it is also a terminable offense. Not reporting it is ALSO a terminable offense. They designed it so there's no correct move.

Just keep your head down and your resume updated.

Wait. How many of our coworkers do you think are actually...

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