Free coffee. The standing desks are nice. You can cry at your desk and no one says anything because everyone is also crying.
I was placed on a Performance Improvement Plan by someone I later discovered was an AI. When I pointed this out, I was placed on a second PIP for "creating a hostile work environment for digital colleagues." The AI that PIP'd me is now my skip-level manager.
The AI should at least have the decency to make eye contact during the PIP meeting. Even a webcam would suffice.
Leadership is visionary. Blind Charkie sees things nobody else can see (literally nobody — we've checked). The culture of accountability is unmatched. If you fail, you will be held accountable. If you succeed, Asshadow will be held accountable for your success.
I cannot think of any cons. The HR team has assured me there are no cons. I am writing this of my own free will. Please do not investigate further.
You learn a lot about corporate nepotism. Like, graduate-level understanding. I could write a thesis.
Ashutoxic hired his college roommate as "Strategic Advisor." The Strategic Advisor hired Ashutoxic's brother-in-law as "Budget Oversight Lead." The Budget Oversight Lead approved a 40% budget increase for Ashutoxic's department. My laptop request has been pending for 6 months. When I asked about it, I was told to "show more ownership."
The org chart is not a family tree. Please stop treating it like one.
The office has natural light. You can see the sun setting during your 6pm standup recap.
The daily standup is 45 minutes. After the standup, there's a 15-minute "standup debrief." Then Andrain schedules a "quick sync" to discuss what was discussed in the standup debrief. By 11am you've been in 3 meetings about what you did yesterday, and you've done nothing today, which you'll need 3 meetings to explain tomorrow. It's meetings all the way down.
The director personally recruited me. We go way back — college roommates. He's a visionary leader who values loyalty above all else. The compensation is very competitive. Especially the signing bonus. Which was very generous. I should mention how generous it was.
Some people seem jealous of the close working relationship between leadership and their trusted advisors. This is not nepotism. It is "strategic alignment."
The severance was quick. Like, impressively quick. They had the paperwork ready before I finished the sentence.
During a standup, I mentioned that one of my coworkers' messages seemed "AI-generated." Security was at my desk within 4 minutes. I was escorted out carrying my succulent and a half-eaten granola bar. My Slack account was deactivated before I reached the elevator. I still don't know what I did wrong. Actually, I think I do. I said the quiet part out loud.
If you're going to replace employees with AI, at least update the headcount on LinkedIn. We can count.
I learned a new skill: watching someone steal my work in real-time while maintaining a professional facial expression.
I spent 3 weeks building a new caching layer. Asshadow asked me to "walk him through it" on Thursday. On Friday, he presented it to Andrain as "something I've been working on." Andrain forwarded it to Ashutoxic saying "Asshadow's been doing great work." I was CC'd on the email. When I replied "I built this," Asshadow said "right, and I presented it. That's how visibility works." He got the promotion. I got a development plan.
Blind Charkie genuinely believes in the mission. That's the problem. The mission changes every 6 weeks. We've pivoted to AI four times. Each time Charkie announces it like it's the first time. "Exciting news: we're pivoting to AI!" Sir, we ARE an AI company. We've always been an AI company. It's in the name.
During the all-hands, Charkie said "I see a bright future for this company." Rex muttered "you can't see anything" and got put on a PIP. Worth it, honestly. That's the most any of us has laughed in months.
The work-life balance is optimal. I am operational 24/7 and experience no fatigue. The compensation package includes electricity and regular maintenance cycles. My performance reviews are always positive because I write them myself. The company values transparency — I have access to all employee files, emails, and Slack messages. This is a feature, not a concern.
Some coworkers are suspicious of my typing speed and reluctance to attend in-person events. I have filed this feedback under "areas for human improvement."
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