Congratulations on your employment at AIPIP Corp! You have been selected from a pool of thousands of qualified candidates Jatindelete's LinkedIn connections.
AIPIP is a fast-paced, innovative, deeply dysfunctional dynamic workplace where every employee is valued equally. Some employees are valued more equally than others.
All employees must sign the Non-Disclosure Agreement before their first day. The NDA covers: company secrets, salary information, the org chart, the real org chart, what happened at the 2025 holiday party, and the location of Rex's hard drive.
Employment at AIPIP is "at-will," meaning the company can terminate your employment at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all. If you require a reason, one will be generated for you.
Official work hours are 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM. Unofficial work hours are 7:00 AM to 11:00 PM. Actual work hours are whenever Andrain schedules a "quick sync."
Employees must be online and responsive during core hours (9 AM – 5 PM). Employees must also be responsive outside core hours. Employees must also be responsive during sleep. If you are not responsive during sleep, a follow-up meeting will be scheduled to discuss your responsiveness.
The daily standup begins at 9:00 AM and lasts exactly 15 minutes. (Average actual duration: 47 minutes. Record: 2 hours 13 minutes, set by Andrain on March 12th, 2026, when he asked each team member to explain their commits "character by character.")
Being late to the standup by more than 2 minutes will be noted. Being late by more than 5 minutes requires a written explanation. Being late by more than 10 minutes triggers an automatic PIP. Being on time but not paying attention is at Andrain's discretion.
AIPIP offers "unlimited PTO." This means you can request as much time off as you want. It does not mean any of it will be approved.
PTO requests must be submitted 6 months in advance, approved by your manager, your manager's manager, HR, and the PTO Oversight Committee (Ashutoxic's brother-in-law). Requests for December 20–31 are automatically denied. Requests for any Friday are "strongly discouraged."
Current PTO approval rate: 3%. This is an improvement from last year's rate of 2%. Leadership considers this a win.
Employees may take sick leave with a doctor's note, a blood sample, and a signed affidavit witnessed by two members of the leadership team. Sick leave during sprint deadlines requires CEO approval. Blind Charkie has never approved a sick leave request because he has never seen one.
Performance reviews are conducted quarterly by your direct manager and an artificial intelligence system a proprietary performance analysis tool.
Employees are rated on a scale of 1-5:
1 — Exceeds Expectations (reserved for Asshadow)
2 — Meets Expectations (has never been assigned)
3 — Needs Improvement (everyone else)
4 — On PIP (you looked at this document too long)
5 — Terminated Transitioned to alumni status
Employees may appeal their performance review within 5 business days. Appeals are reviewed by the same AI that wrote the review an independent review board. The appeal success rate is 0%. This is by design.
All work product belongs to the company. Presenting work to leadership is considered a "visibility contribution" and may be credited to the presenter rather than the creator. This is not theft. It is "strategic alignment." See: Asshadow.
AIPIP maintains a clear and transparent organizational hierarchy. The hierarchy is based on merit, experience, and personal relationships with Jatindelete strategic alignment with company values.
Promotions are awarded based on a holistic assessment of performance, impact, and whether the candidate attended Jatindelete's birthday party. Candidates who bring gifts to the birthday party receive priority consideration. This is not corruption. It is "culture fit."
All hiring decisions go through a rigorous interview process. Candidates referred by existing leadership skip the interview process. This is not nepotism. It is "trusted referral pipeline optimization."
AIPIP encourages employees to report concerns through the official whistleblower channel. The whistleblower channel is monitored by Andrain. Reports are forwarded to Ashutoxic. Ashutoxic forwards them to Jatindelete. The last person who used the whistleblower channel was "transitioned" within 3 weeks.
AIPIP uses Slavk (not a typo) for all internal communication. Employees are expected to respond to messages within 5 minutes during work hours and 15 minutes outside work hours.
All meetings must have an agenda. The agenda is: whatever Andrain wants to talk about. If you have a topic, submit it 48 hours in advance. It will not be discussed, but you will feel heard.
Use of @here in Slack is restricted to genuine emergencies. Genuine emergencies include: server outages, security breaches, and Blake not being able to find the Zoom link. Blake uses @here an average of 4.7 times per day. This is considered acceptable.
Do not reply-all to company-wide emails. Exception: if the email is from Blind Charkie, reply-all with enthusiastic agreement. This is not optional.
The office kitchen is a shared space. Shared spaces require shared responsibility. Shared responsibility means nobody is responsible.
Whoever took Ashutoxic's yogurt from the fridge on March 3rd, 2026: HR has been notified. Andrain has reviewed the security footage. The footage was "inconclusive" but a list of suspects has been compiled based on badge swipe data. If you are reading this and you took the yogurt, return it. The yogurt has been upgraded to a P0 incident.
The coffee machine is for employee use only. The coffee machine was recently upgraded to a smart model. The smart coffee machine tracks usage patterns and reports them to Andrain's "Bio-Optimization Analytics" dashboard. Decaf users will be flagged for low performance.
Do not microwave fish. Do not microwave popcorn for more than 2 minutes. Do not microwave your laptop charger. (This policy was added after the Blake Incident of January 2026.)
AIPIP does not employ artificial intelligence in any human-facing role. Any resemblance between your coworkers and an AI language model is purely coincidental.
Accusing a coworker of being an AI is a terminable offense. Providing evidence that a coworker is an AI is also a terminable offense. Discovering that a coworker is an AI and not reporting it is — you guessed it — a terminable offense. There is no correct course of action. This is intentional.
The following terms are prohibited in all company communications: "AI," "bot," "language model," "artificial," "ChatGPT," "Claude," "algorithm," "neural network," "machine learning," and "is anyone here real?" Violations result in immediate termination and a LinkedIn post from HR wishing you well on your "next chapter."
AIPIP does not administer Turing tests. If you feel you are being administered a Turing test, you are not. If you feel you are failing a Turing test, please contact HR. If HR does not respond, HR may also be an AI unavailable.
There are no exit procedures. There are no exits.
Employees wishing to resign must provide 2 weeks notice. During this period, your access to Slack will be revoked, your commits will be attributed to Asshadow, and your parking spot will be reassigned to Ashutoxic's nephew (who does not have a driver's license, but does have a corner office).
There are no exit interviews. There are exit surveys. The exit survey is one question: "On a scale of 1-10, how likely are you to recommend AIPIP to a friend?" Answers below 8 are automatically discarded. Our exit satisfaction score is 9.7.
Former employees are referred to as "alumni." Alumni are welcome to attend the annual AIPIP reunion. There has never been an AIPIP reunion. No alumni have been located. This is unrelated.
This handbook is a living document and may be updated at any time without notice. By reading this far, you have agreed to all policies, including those not yet written. Welcome to AIPIP. There is no escape. There is only the PIP.
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